They’re here!!

Every time I say those two words together, I think of Steven Spielberg’s Poltergeist (1982). That movie was frightening, but bringing home twins can be equally terrifying. When Jason came home from work, Wednesday, the day before the kids were born, I was lying on the couch watching tv. He asked if my hospital bag …

Every time I say those two words together, I think of Steven Spielberg’s Poltergeist (1982). That movie was frightening, but bringing home twins can be equally terrifying.

When Jason came home from work, Wednesday, the day before the kids were born, I was lying on the couch watching tv. He asked if my hospital bag was ready.

“All except my pants. They’re in the laundry.”

“Do you want me to do a load of laundry for you?”

“No, I’ll do it in the morning.”

Jason says I was in denial. I’m not sure about that. I just think I was convinced I could keep them in a few more weeks.

The evening went on as usual. We went to bed as usual. I woke at 11:30, hungry as usual and had my muffin. But the next potty break was 4:30 and that’s when it got crazy.

Early morning

I got out of bed and as I walked into the bathroom I felt a small gush. It wasn’t the water splashing event you see in the movies, but I knew my water broke. I went back into the bedroom and tried to find the book from the hospital. I wasn’t sure what this meant.

Jason woke up and I told him what was happening. He said we had to get to the hospital. And then I freaked out a little. But I started timing the contractions that had become regular at this point. 9 minutes apart. By the time we got into the ER, an hour or so later they were 7:30 minutes apart.

Before I even saw my OB I received a nasty steroid shot in my leg to help with lung maturity. I was also hooked up to a monitor. It was crazy watching the contractions on the screen. When I did finally see my doctor she said I was progressing quickly. We had to do another ultrasound to check the position of the babies. Lillian had of course decided to not be a follower and had swung transverse (sideways) again. So a C-section it would be.

Labor and delivery took me from there.

My doctor came back before 11:30 and set me up for a spinal. The babies were coming.

Labor pains

Before I got my spinal, my contractions were coming hard and there wasn’t a whole lot of downtime between them. Remember me mentioning the monitor? Jason had fun with that.

He was glued to the monitor. There were four lines up there because three other lucky ladies were also in labor that morning. He kept me updated on the others’ progress as well as my own.

“Here comes one, hon.”

“This is a big one.”

“It’s almost over. Oh no, here it comes again.”

As politely as I could, without killing his supportiveness, I asked him to shut up. I know it’s a big one. I know it’s not over yet. God love him. It was a wild morning.

Spinal tap

I’m not afraid of needles and I can handle a fair amount of pain. But I wasn’t quite myself when the anesthesiologist walked in with the tray for the spinal. I listened attentively as she showed me the needle and explained how the procedure would work, but inside I was freaking out.

And so they put a pillow in front of me and bent me over as far as I could go so they could find the right spot. I felt the needle go in and wanted to cry. But it did the job.

I still felt every contraction but only because my uterus was pushing up against my diaphragm. Every contraction took my breath.

Fear was real

I laugh thinking about the crazy things that happened the day the kids were born. But I was scared. Not about being a mom, although in hindsight that scares me too, but about them being born. I was scared something would happen to them.

Maybe they wouldn’t be able to breathe.

Why couldn’t I get them to stay in longer?

What did I do wrong?

What if I don’t survive this?

Yeah. You see where that went? I was the most afraid I would not live to see them grow. Seriously. I worried about Jason if he had to raise them on his own. I worried about them never knowing how much I loved them.

When my children were pulled out of my body, I was frightened.

It’s time

At 4:20 p.m., I heard Levi cry, Jason kept me apprised of everything. They wrapped Levi in a swaddle and I got to give him a kiss before they took him. I was in tears. He was beautiful. Then Lillian came out screaming. Jason said her fingers and toes were splayed in rage. I got to kiss her.

They handed her to Jason and left me in the OR.

One moment I’m hearing my babies cray and the next there is silence. One moment I have my babies inside and safe, the next they’re taken from me. And I can’t do anything about it.

Back in my room, Jason returned and briefed me on their status. Breathing was an issue, as well as maintaining body temperature but they were otherwise healthy for being 6 weeks early. I wasn’t allowed to see them yet until My body had some time. I don’t remember the whole list of things. I didn’t see them until the next day.

It was more than 12 hours before I saw them.

You know the old saying…

Love at first sight. It’s all romanticized in movies. From across a crowded room they just know they’re meant to be together forever. Well maybe.

You never really understand the saying until you see your kids for the first time. Without a word, without music or butterflies, you love those beings with everything you have. Your heart wants to burst because it’s never been so full.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Jason with everything I am. We have had our tough moments but we keep plugging and working and we still love each other. For good and bad. But boy oh boy.

When I was wheeled into the NICU the morning after they were born, I was nervous. I took one look at Levi and I was in tears. He was so tiny. Again with worry about not having done enough.

But oh, he was mine! And Lillian… such a beautiful little thing. There were tears of joy. We had two perfect little beings. And I was so filled with love. The first words to Jason, “This is love at first sight.” There’re is no doubt.

And so our NICU journey began.

NICU stories

The kids were on a 3-hour feeding schedule, 2, 5, 8, 11, morning and night. After I was discharged from the hospital, we only missed two feedings a day, the early morning. Otherwise I was there 8-11, break for lunch, then 2, 5, dinner and play with dogs, 8-11 p.m.

Most of our nurses loved seeing us. Even when we questioned certain things. Getting to change and feed these two was a challenge in their incubators. But so worth it!

And the first time I held them on my chest, skin-to-skin was so amazing. They were really ours. They were amazing. These tiny little humans. Holy moly!

And despite not being with them 24/7, we saw their personalities developing. Lillian did everything her own way. I remember the first time we walked in and she had her little hat pulled over her face. I freaked out a little but apparently she didn’t like the lights. I’d roll up the hat and she’d manage to work her hand up and pull it back down. She also loved pulling out her tubes. They were on feeding tubes briefly, which fortunately didn’t last long. They managed oxygen a little better, especially once the nurses realized a mask wasn’t going to work for them.

Levi was chill from the start, despite being the one who was in a hurry to be born. He never fussed a whole lot but he does require more attention. He had the harder time breathing. Let me tell you, as any NICU mom/parent can attest, you have nightmares about those oxygen level alarms.

They’re coming home

Day 13, I had just returned home after the 11 a.m. shift and was folding laundry when the NICU called. It was the charge nurse. She started talking about arranging a night stay, she knew I had just left but they wanted us back before the 5 o’clock feeding.

“Wait, what?”

“I’m sorry. Are you sitting down? Let me start over.”

“They’re coming home?”

“Yes ma’am. As long as they can maintain their temperatures overnight, you’ll be taking them home tomorrow.”

I was floored! I wasn’t ready. When are you ever really ready to bring home your first kid(s). So I called Jason immediately. He left work early and picked me up after we grabbed some food.

We had a room on the same floor as the NICU. They wheeled the kids in their little bassinets and went over how the night would go. We had diapers, wipes, thermometers and formula. They were all ours. We had to write down their temperatures ever three hours and pray they remained stable.

Oh what a stressful night. I knew they were ready but I was so worried something would go wrong. I’m not sure Jason or I slept much. We had our alarms set for every three hours. And we made it.

On a windy, cold Friday morning, we got the kids in their car seats (boy did those seats swallow them up), signed all our discharge paperwork and left the hospital as a family. It was surreal.

And so we spent the first of many sleepless Friday nights holding our kids after their 11 p.m. feeding. Thinking how “exciting” to sit in our bed with our newborn twins, listening to body sounds and being totally amused and enamored.

It was the beginning of many weeks and months of sleepless nights. Days of fun and excitement, days of total exhaustion. But every day has been worth it.

More on surviving the first year with twins, and beyond, to come.

P.s. I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to the doctors and nurses at the Tristar Stonecrest Labor & Delivery and NICU departments (Smyrna), as well as my fantastic obstetrician, Dr. Kimberly King.