In the twin or higher order multiples parent community, we make a big deal out of getting to that first birthday. We jokingly and lovingly congratulate each other on surviving the first year with our littles.But it’s not just surviving. As a parent of multiples you’re learning to thrive with more than one baby at …
In the twin or higher order multiples parent community, we make a big deal out of getting to that first birthday. We jokingly and lovingly congratulate each other on surviving the first year with our littles.
But it’s not just surviving. As a parent of multiples you’re learning to thrive with more than one baby at once. You’re adapting. Some definitely struggle more than others.
For some it’s obvious they are having a rough time. And even those who look well put together and calm are most likely struggling in a place you can’t imagine. When you see parents of multiples, you may think you know the trials and tribulations. Unless you’ve been there, you have no clue.
In the beginning
Jason and I joke about the first nights at home with the kids, the strangeness of their presence, our lives revolving around their schedule. But let me tell you, that schedule was (and is) life-saving when your hands are full and your mind and body are exhausted.
Our alarm went off every three hours. At first we were both getting up for every feeding. We quickly learned we would not get far like this, so we split the overnight shifts. Jason was a night owl so after the 8 pm feeding, I would go to bed and he would handle the 11 before coming to bed. I got up for the 2 am and we were both on again at 5.
The schedule helped me organize the rest of my day; my meals, taking care of the dogs, showers (OMG so important for sanity and well-being), moving my body when I was released to do so. I was able to squeeze in other things in these small spaces of time, especially when I had help.
On our toes
Monday after the kids first came home, I was doing “kangaroo care” or “skin-on-skin” with Levi when I noticed he had stopped breathing. I laid him flat and startled him to get him back; I was freaked out but all was normal. Within two hours, he did it again. This time I called 9-1-1.
Our cell service is sketchy in the house so it was painful. EMTs came out and examined him. He seemed fine. One of them mentioned preemies were prone to apnea. Wait, what?! No one mentioned this to us when we were discharged.
According to Johns Hopkins All Children’s Hospital:
Apnea of prematurity is fairly common in preemies. Doctors usually diagnose the condition before the mother and baby are discharged from the hospital, and the apnea usually goes away on its own as the infant matures. Generally, babies who are born at less than 35 weeks’ gestation have periods when they stop breathing or their heart rates drop. (https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/Patients-Families/Health-Library/HealthDocNew/Apnea-of-Prematurity)
This would have been terribly helpful information. It’s also known as “wimpy white boy syndrome”. Seriously, it’s most common in white males.
I left a message with the pediatrician’s office. When they finally returned my call, I relayed the day’s events and they said to keep them posted.
At 7:30 pm, I went to our room for something and glanced in the crib. Even without direct light, I knew Levi was grey. I flipped on the light and his lips were blue. I startled him again and yelled to Jason, “He’s doing it again!!” I was in a panic but tried to keep calm. I had Lillian lying there next to him, sleeping so peacefully. I think about it now and I am sickened by how fortunate I was to have gone in when I did. What if I hadn’t needed to go in there for another hour?
We left Lillian with my mom and drove to the local emergency room. We were taken back immediately. It took six hours to determine we needed to be transferred to a PICU in downtown Nashville.
Levi was still so small, and the ER was not prepared for such a tiny patient. Jason had to go up to our NICU to get some formula. I almost punched a nurse after the fourth time he stuck Levi’s hand to get an IV, but I calmly asked him to get help. For the transport, I had to be strapped to the gurney and hold Levi; he was too small for their car seat. But the EMTs were fantastic. They explained everything and did as much to help me as Levi.
He was finally admitted to the Centennial PICU at 2:30 a.m. Tuesday morning. Again, his petite size was glaring at me from his bed. And I had to leave him again.
I tried to be there too much at first. I stayed overnight in the PICU, Tuesday night. The dry air lead to sinus issues, and I hardly slept. Every alarm woke me. I was trying to be everything for Lillian and Levi at the same time. Lord it was hard.
Everything went well and after 24 hours without any apnea episodes, Levi came home that Friday. As the nurse worked on our discharge paperwork, I told Levi he couldn’t do anything like that for another year.
The nurse said, “Honey, he owes you five quiet years after this.”
It’s odd, I recognize the SPO2 alarm every time. It haunted me for months after Levi came home. We bought a breathing monitor that he wore for the next few months. It went off twice, both false alarms. One because it fell of his diaper and the other his diaper was falling off.
Help was lined up
People weren’t lined up out our door but we pretty much had the first month of help scheduled before the end of the second trimester. We had no clue what to expect and someone needed to be around for our furkids when the big day arrived.
Jason’s dad and stepmom would come immediately because they were closest. They were also the most capable of ha sling our dogs and they knew our house really well.
After the first week or so, they traded out with my mom. Everyone had turns driving me to the hospital to see the kids; they were so loved from beginning.
Extended family helped too, if only to see the kids. One aunt flew up from Austin to spend a week. She is a retired NICU nurse and was in her element with them when they were home. Another aunt came down from Louisville with a friend for a visit. Neither were acquainted with newborns, but they accepted their baptism by fire.
It was nice to have adult company but within a couple of months I was ready for them to go. I was tired of people in the house. I wanted the kids to myself. Since they were born I had never really been alone with them. I wanted to be mom all by myself (I wonder where Lillian gets her independent streak).
On my own
Once again… by February it was just me and the kids when Jason left for work. He checked in regularly and I sent tons of pictures. It was chaotic at times, but I thrive under pressure and we all adapted well.
We got into a good morning routine and were ready to roll by the time Jason left for work. I generally got in a workout during their first snooze. And if they weren’t sleeping, they helped. Babies are great for weight training. I used Levi for a frontal press; he needed some attention and I needed to get through the set. He was pleased.
So many people complain about not getting a shower with newborns. The trick is to seize any opportunity, like nap, or create the opportunity. Their crib was in our room so those showers were simplest. But other days I moved the bouncy seats into our bathroom while I did a quick wash. As they got older I would stick my head out for entertainment. This was a bit cumbersome but worked for us.
Fed is best
I’d be remiss if I left out the breastfeeding battle. As you may guess by the heading we had to do formula. We had planned to breastfeed, saving money with two mouths to feed. But nothing ever goes completely as planned with kids.
Production was slow to start. I did my best when I first came home and had real food. And when Levi went into the PICU my sympathetic system kicked things into gear.
I supplemented with everything and anything that was recommended: fenugreek, nutritional yeast, even a good dark beer on occasion would help. I also did the breastfeeding support group at our hospital.
In the end, I made it to ten weeks. I was pumping after every feeding, getting little sleep. I got to a point where I was so exhausted I felt like I was failing them. I was getting depressed. So I stopped.
My body didn’t complain. I slept, mood improved. Less stress meant a happier and more resilient mommy.
Factors that played into the production issue were easy to see in hindsight. My age, definitely. The kids were early which put me behind from the beginning. And something I discovered about a year and a half later was my lack of nutrition. I wasn’t eating enough for myself, much less the two tiny humans I was trying to feed.
Any time a new mama in our local group asks about breastfeeding, I give helpful advice from what I learned. But I also caution to listen to her body and do what is best for her and her babies.
Contrary to what anti-formula groups preach, my formula-fed babies are smart, funny, ahead of their class and so intuitive. We have no negative side effects and all the positive vibes of well fed babies and a healthy mama.
Sleep learning or training
Mom and dad need sleep. Kids need good sleep. We moved the kids to their own room at 6 months. We weaned them off their night feed with no issues. But they were wanting to be rocked all the time. Lillian was the most demanding. Levi just wanted his sleep.
I remember the night I “called” for help. They were about 11 months old, 9.5 months adjusted. Lillian was up for two hours. Every time we put her down she woke Levi. I couldn’t take it any more. I didn’t work every day but I still needed my sleep; Jason needed sleep too. And naps weren’t making up for their lost night sleep.
I tried timed checks. I tried Sleep Lady Shuffle. Every time I went the room it made it worse. We would have to do extinction. Jason went to our room and turned on the television. He couldn’t handle the crying. I hated it too but it was necessary for our sanity.
I stayed in the guest room down the hall from their room. I was frantically messaging a woman in a recommended Facebook group who walked me through it all. And a local mom was giving me moral support via Messenger.
After an hour, the crying stopped. I left them another hour and checked on them. They were sleeping soundly. The next night it was 15 minutes. Night three was only five minutes.
It has not been perfect. We’ve had to reset with illness, travel and regressions. But it’s kept us sane. Jason and I have some quiet time before we go to bed.
The Facebook group is Twins, Triplets & Quads: Safe Sleep Training & Learning for Multiples. I highly recommend the group. I have leaned on them for the last 4 years.
Twiniversity has a great article from the author/creator of the Sleep Lady Shuffle, Kim West. https://www.twiniversity.com/2019/07/gentle-sleep-coaching-for-twins/ An online class is also in the works.
Rounding out the year
Teeth and hair came in slowly. Levi put more work into this hair so he had curls before he was one. Lillian grew those teeth quickly and the hair not as fast. Levi balked at chewing when his first teeth were coming in but ate like a champ with his molars. Lillian was the opposite.
Mobility was a riot. Levi started everything first. Rolling came easy to him and he found it was a great way to get around our house. I’m glad the addition wasn’t put on until they were walking; I would have lost him on a daily basis. And crawling was more of an Army craw for him. Even when he figured out crawling on all fours, he would drop to his belly if he needed speed.
Lillian took backstage on the moving but she watched Levi intently. I still think she was deciding the best approach to each step before expending the energy. And now the girl can outrun him.
Their language went from a few words to dozens in no time. And they devoured books. They’re still bookworms and will sit for an hour to listen to you read if your voice has the time.
Their first birthday was a celebration with family and friends. Way too many presents to count (some were wrapped again for Christmas). We had music and cake and just watched the kids do their thing. When we sang to them, Lillian sang along while Levi tried to hide in his highchair. And she smashed her cake good, covered herself in icing. Levi had to have a spoon.
And that’s only the beginning of watching these two very different humans evolve and grow. There are still those occasions we simply survive, but we all continue to thrive as well.
More to come…
