I was raised Catholic. And while we learned a lot about God’s Grace, we also learned about guilt, especially from the older generation. As an adult,I’ve laid plenty
I was raised Catholic. And while we learned a lot about God’s Grace, we also learned about guilt, especially from the older generation. As an adult, I’ve laid plenty of guilt on myself about bad life decisions. As a parent, the guilt is at a whole new level.
List of offenses
You may think that sounds funny, but moms keep mental lists of their screw ups. It’s usually to prevent making the same mistakes. So here are some that I can remember, rational or not.
The kids came early. Jason can tell you I did everything right. No alcohol, limited caffeine, healthy eating (minus the Five Guys fries), exercising regularly. I even put myself on home rest at 30 weeks; I only left for OB appointments and grocery pick up. Still, they were born premature and required almost two weeks in the NICU. My father, who is a retired OB/GYN, said it was totally Levi’s idea. Thanks kid.
Next, I didn’t follow my gut when it came to Levi and his seizures. I noticed them when we were still in the NICU, but a nurse told me they were some kind of hiccup. I had never held a baby this tiny so I took her word for it. It wasn’t until about a month after his PICU stay that I requested a neurology consult. Sure enough, there they were. They were mild, but with my own mild seizure history and his eating and sleeping difficulties, the neurologist actually listened to me and put him on medication.
I’ve never told anyone this before, but I misread the dosage on the bottle and gave him too much the first time. He was zonked for the rest of the day. I wanted to crawl into a hole. Jason kept me straight. And Levi was just fine. But all my thoughts were consumed by the “what if’s”.
I have never dropped either of my children, but I have accidentally run into them and sent them sprawling. I laugh about it now, but at the time I felt like a bull in a china shop. I have forgotten allergy medicine. I have forgotten the morning vitamin. Oh! I have also never left my kids in the car, but I have gotten everything into the car but the car keys. First time was our first excursion to the breastfeeding group at their birth hospital. The second time was just last week.
You have to keep moving
Last week, Levi and Lillian were playing in the family room after dinner. Jason called her into the bathroom to brush her teeth. As she ran across the room, she turned back to Levi and asked, “Can you pause it?” Poor kids. They’re growing up in the age of DVR recordings and digital tv shows. They don’t have the joy of using commercial breaks for running to the bathroom or getting snacks.
You cannot pause life when you mess up or need a break. You have to keep moving. You have to push through so you will get where you want to go. That’s where grace comes in.
The kids were invited to their first real birthday party a few weeks ago; it was at a trampoline park. The birthday girl is a year and a half older than the twins so the rest of the party-goers were also older. The park was loud and HUGE! The kids had a blast but wouldn’t stray far from me. Breakdowns ensued after an hour, just in time for the kids to get pizza and cake.
When we got to the party room, all the children were at the table. Lillian wouldn’t leave my side. I sat her at the table but she wouldn’t let go of my arm. Levi was ravenous so getting him to eat wasn’t a problem. I helped Lillian get started on her pizza. Once she got into it, she dropped the first piece on the floor, face down. She finally ate some more. Then Levi dropped half of his cake on the floor. They were in shock. Both worried GL wouldn’t open their present, then Levi was worried about the party gifts they were receiving.
All I could think was, Oh good Lord. I’ve destroyed my children. They don’t know how to be kids! They don’t know how to engage! I’ve ruined them!
Then I posted in my local MoMs group. I had several responses that were in line with what I had experienced. Their kids had no problem with the playing part, but when it came to socializing in one spot, all bets were off. The birthday girl’s mom and a mom in my group said, give yourself some grace.
What is grace?
I have to admit, the first thing I think of is blessing a meal. Despite my upbringing, I had to look up what they meant. According to the internet (which is never wrong, HA!), “finding grace” is the ability to forgive yourself for the mess ups so you can keep going.
I found an article in my research called “Give Yourself Grace: What the Bible Says about Being Kind to Yourself” (www.calminggrace.com/give-yourself-grace). In it, the author says, “We punish ourselves first so that the other person will let up.” In my case, there is no other person. I’m just pre-empting any possible comments from outliers about my momming skills.
True or not, I always feel like I’m being judged. And maybe I am. But self denigration is not an attractive trait. Nor is it anything I want the twins to learn. The world is hard enough without making it harder on yourself.
You are not alone
And I’m not the only one. Our society drives us to be the perfect mom. I read an article in The Guardian recently, “Parent trap: why the cult of the perfect mother has to end”, and it resonated with me. The author speaks to all those things we’ve been told we should feel about being a mom.
We should be in tune with our kids. We should be sure not to hinder their imaginations. We should have them outside seven hours a day (I kid you not, I read that in an Instagram post a couple of years back when the kids still napped and we wouldn’t have had time to eat if we were outside that long every day). You should NEVER lose your temper, take a moment of quiet for yourself, eat a proper meal, get good sleep or do anything that a normal human being requires.
It was getting a little out of hand, but I’ve heard women say they sacrificed so much for their kids, including their very self, their inner being. And sure, you do what you have to do your kids don’t go hungry and have clothes on their backs. But you have to take care of yourself, too. Because if mommy goes down, the whole ship may just go down with her.
This isn’t just for moms
Men are different. They are built differently; our wiring is definitely from separate schematics. Society treats and teaches them differently. But some men do this too. They work so hard to provide for their family because it’s their “duty”, it’s the “honorable” thing to do.
And just like the moms out there, dads can take it too far. They can worry so much about the financial well-being, they miss the good stuff. Jason was/is guilty of that. But over the past 16 months, through this pandemic, he’s been around the house more. Even working in the apartment/office, he’s had time to eat lunch with us, take the kids to the zoo. He’s been able to be more present. But he still needs to do for himself.
And some men are better at some time than others. Jason’s time is hunting, fishing, yard work, outside manual labor. He complains about the latter two but they’re also his time to do something physically productive.
You have to set a good example for the kids. So if it’s taking time out to get in a workout, if it’s eating healthy, if it’s skipping dessert (or having extra), it’s got to be something that makes you truly happy. If it’s starting a new project around the house or planning a vacation, it’s got to be something that lightens your spirits and doesn’t add to the turmoil that is every day life.
The moral of the story
Mom guilt is real. Dad guilt is real. Parent guilt is real. It may be irrational but it’s true to each parent, that’s for sure. So you have to find that little bit of grace.
You have to give yourself permission to take care of you first. If you fall apart, what is left for the kids? You have to give your self the okay to do something that is selfishly, only for you. Oh my, I used the word selfish relating to parenting. Being a little selfish is not a bad thing. Heck! The airlines even tell you to get your own oxygen before getting it for your kids.
You have to give yourself permission to be happy outside your kids. Yes, your world is about raising them and keeping them healthy. It should not consume your every being. Only in the last year or so have I allowed myself to pull away.
You have to give yourself grace to be happy and know that you are doing the absolute best you can imagine for your kids. You’re teaching them to take care of themselves first. You’re teaching them to be their best and allow themselves grace.
