As children we just can’t wait to grow up. We see the “big kids” doing stuff and we want to do it too. We see our parents doing things like driving a car and think, “What freedom!” And all the while, these adults tell us to enjoy our childhood. We think they are crazy. What can be better than making your own decisions, choosing your own clothes, living in your own place, driving your own car.
And now, you’re an adult
Congratulations! You made it.
You have your own job! It’s sucking the life out of you. Well, maybe not. Maybe you got lucky and have a very fulfilling occupation. Or maybe you’re still in school trying to find that “just right” career.
You have your own car! The insurance premiums are insane. No way around this one. Women get a bit of a break at 25 but the guys have to wait until 30.
You have your own apartment or house! Yard work and cleaning house are exhausting your free time. Also no joke. If you live in an apartment or condominium, you have to be aware of your music or television volume, or you may be dealing with loud neighbors. And if you own a home, the house work and yard work are endless.
You have to make decisions for yourself. If you’re single, it may be a little easier. Your life decisions only affect you, for now. You can take a long weekend hiking trip and just roll when you get out of work. You can leave a job for less pay but better benefits and more room for growth. But then you’re by yourself. Maybe you have a cat or a dog? You now have to factor their care into every travel decision you make.
In a serious relationship or married? Every decision you make affects you both. But you can work around big life decision together. You can decide where to live, where/when to travel, share some of those decision-making responsibilities.
You’re “adulting”. That’s the new tag, lately. People complaining they can’t “adult” any more. It’s just too much. And yeah, “adulting” is work. It’s responsibility.
Now add kids
You’ve got the “adulting” down. You’re making good money, you have freedom, independence. You and your significant other or spouse are in sync (with a few bumps), and life is good. Let’s add kids to that mix. And it doesn’t matter how many, not really. Yes, multiples are a different ball game, but even one kid changes everything.
Now every decision you make affects another being. And this being does not have a rational thought or reaction to anything. And those are just the decisions you used to make for yourself. When you travel, now, you have to make sure it’s kid-friendly, you want to know what kind of kid attractions are available, you need family-friendly restaurants (to a certain age).
In addition to making decisions about your own life, still, you’re also making decisions for these little people. Nutrition, school, schedule, routines, CHILDCARE!!
Seriously. When the kids came home, I was so set on our routine. It saved my sanity. Then I found the sleep training group that helped us all get good sleep. And I was strict about that sleep schedule. Only in the last year or so have I been able to get more flexible and creative with their sleeping routine.
And it’s a fine line, trust me. After they started preK this year, I had to talk to their afternoon teacher about the napping situation. For the first time in 2 years, Lillian was napping over an hour. At first I was excited. Then Lillian was laying awake for 2 hours past her bedtime. And that overnight sleep is so much more important. I actually had to talk to her afternoon teacher and ask for Lillian to have quiet time in lieu of a nap.
“Hi! Yeah. Can you please not let my child sleep while everyone else in the class naps? Thanks!”
I never thought I would have such a hard time making lunch for my kids to take to school. Really. This year is harder because of food allergies on the full-time side. No nuts in any shape or form. We lived on peanut butter and jelly. So I had to get them into Sunflower seed butter. Not their favorite, but it’s been a decent substitute.
Never did I ever think I would struggle so much with helping them learn, or teaching them certain concepts. Maybe it’s because there are two at the same age. Some of their questions make my head spin. Levi is always asking “why”, lately. I actually told him we would have to Google something last week because I had no clue. What I wouldn’t give for an Alexa and real internet in our home.
Finding balance
I never thought balancing work and home would be so difficult. I have been working two days a week for the last couple of months. Doesn’t sound like much, but I have been squeezing a lot of work into those two days. Those days usually have me mentally spent. And I struggle some days with figuring out dinner for that evening. So something else I never really did, that I’m no doing, is planning out meals at least a week in advance if not two. (Bonus: this helps me save money at the grocery)
And after dinner, dishes have to get done, teeth brushed. If it’s a school night, we go almost straight to bath time, a little bit of t.v. time, and then bed. These days are exhausting. I’ve worn about six different hats on some of these days, from wife to audiologist, chef to washer. And I’ve got help.
I have a co-worker who is a single mom. We discussed this topic the other day. Her son is two years older than the twins. She told me he has been misbehaving at school, lately. She picks him up from school and sees a bad report about his behavior. She said she tried all the “positive” methods to get him to behave better, but it wasn’t working. She had to threaten him with being grounded, at age 7, if he did not behave. And it worked. But she hates it. She hates having to be that mom. And it’s another hat she’s had to wear, “mean” mom, in her own eyes. She turns to prayer to get her through these times. God gives her peace, gives her the balance she needs.
A cousin of mine is raising three kids, essentially by himself. His mom and dad help him when they can. But he was having a hard time finding time for himself, finding balance. He does not always want to do it, but he gets up and goes to a gym at 5 a.m. most mornings to get in his me time. Some days it’s a struggle, but it gives him balance. It makes him a better person for himself, it makes him a better person for his children.
I struggle every morning with my balance. So I need a schedule, a routine, to keep me grounded. Like I said, it is what has kept me sane and functioning in the last 5 years. I’ve learned that I crave physical balance. Over the years it has taken different shapes and forms. I’ve settled on strength training and occasionally throw in the road bike. These two things keep me centered. They give me focus on myself. No necessarily for appearances but for inner focus. Whether it’s half an hour or an hour, these workouts are the only time my brain is not manic with the decisions I have to make. Even when I’m struggling with the routine, I am calm and zoned in to get through it. This is part of how I find my balance.
We need an app
There’s an app for everything, and I’m sure there are plenty out there for finding balance. But parents need an app for “adulting” plus kids. We need something to help us appreciate what we do every day.
Let’s take my husband for example. He helps get the kids up in the mornings, feeds the dogs, checks the weather, goes up to the home office to get his day started. That’s three hats all before 6:30. Then he comes down to help make sure the kids are ready to load up and head to school. If it’s a day I work, he saves the office work for after he takes the kids to school. So those days you have to add cook and chauffeur to his list. That’s five hats before 8 a.m. On weekends let’s add yard work, home maintenance, teacher (it is almost deer season). In any given week, there are at least 8 hats he wears, and I’m sure I’m missing something.
I’m not going to list mine. It’s not a competition and I don’t have the brain power for that right now. Let’s just say there are days I change hats so much I can’t see straight by the time the kids go to bed. And just because they’re in bed doesn’t mean the hats come off. It’s just one less distraction from the other things we need to do.
So while I work on developing “Adulting +”, take a moment to write down everything you did for yourself, for your family, for your work, today. Look at that list. That’s adulting and then some. If you want to go deeper, see if there’s a good balance of items on that list. Whatever you need for your balance, you owe it to yourself, your family, to do it.
We have to adult every day, but we need to be able to do it just for ourselves on occasion. Be that kid who has no other concerns (responsibly) for a few hours or a whole day. In Elsa’s words, “Let it go!” Everything will still be there when you get back.
