The twins turn five-years-old, today. I’m beyond crazed at this idea. Jason asked me this morning if it was 4:30 when I had to go “look at the book”. I had to laugh. I feel as overwhelmed with them today as I did five years ago, laying in the hospital bed. I am so very grateful for that day, the hospital staff, the NICU staff, for Jason, for our family.
Not the typical “mom guilt”
In July, I wrote about that “mom guilt” we experience for not making their little lives perfect. Sometimes we fall short of our own expectations, even when they think we hang the moon. But there is another kind of guilt that looms over me as a mom of these beautiful beings. It’s a type of survivor’s guilt.
I feel guilty about our blessings. I feel guilty about having my prayers answered. I feel guilty about the relative ease with which our children entered the world. I feel guilty because I have not struggled like so many of the moms I know.
I have a friend at our local farmer’s market who has been going through the IVF process since this summer. They did a retrieval and ended up with three viable embryos. The first implantation did not take. The second took, but she miscarried around 12 weeks. I was out of town when she found out about the miscarriage. The next time I saw her I asked if I could give her a hug. I didn’t know what else to do. She then asked about the kids; she hasn’t seen them since school started. And they ask about her every time we talk about the market.
I almost didn’t want to talk about them with her. I actually changed the subject to the end of the market season, the holidays quickly approaching. We talked about what her doctor has planned next and we promised to keep in touch about how everything is going. And I walked away with a heavy heart for her. I have prayed for her, honestly. I cannot imagine what she is experiencing.
I can empathize with wanting children so badly. Wanting to have an extension of yourself and thinking it will never happen. I can empathize with wondering if I should just give up on that dream I had since I was a child myself. But for me, the solution was a personal choice. It was not related to any medical condition.
Several moms in my local MoM’s group have posted about making their way through infertility treatments. They have posted pictures of all of the needles they had to use to achieve the incredible ultrasound picture of their expected children. One mom re-shared her story of the day they found out they were having triplets. She wrote of all the appointments, injections, procedures, everything they went through to achieve that miracle of the three children she carried.
I left a comment about how amazing and emotional it was for me to read their story. I always felt guilty when I read these stories and saw these pictures. I felt guilty because I did not have to go through any of that. It was my choice, of course, to not even look at that as an option if I couldn’t get pregnant. Jason and I kept it relatively quiet that we were trying. It only took two cycles. Only three months. It happened so quickly, we were both in disbelief.
What I have to remember, we each see the struggle differently. My struggle was with the personal choice, the decision that had to be made, the mind-changing that had to occur. And for all the difficulties, I must be grateful.
Turning guilty to grateful
One thing about the kids’ birthday, it’s really close to my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. Time to reflect and enjoy family without all the jazz of decorations and a multitude of presents. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas and all the lights and sparkle. But I don’t like to rush it. Thanksgiving reminds me of my grandparents and big family dinners.
I’ve been thinking about this guilt thing a lot, lately. In fact, I started a post solely about that “survivor guilt”. The closer we got to Thanksgiving, the more I thought how appropriate it was to put the two together.
I remember the first Thanksgiving, exactly a week after the twins arrived. I had already been released from the hospital. My in-laws were with us and Jason’s stepmom made us a wonderful Thanksgiving meal. We did our “thankfuls” and I was in tears. I was thankful the kids were doing so well. Comically, I was super grateful for the heavy meal because it increased my milk production. I had never, and haven’t since been, so happy to be so tired.
I try to remember that elation when I feel guilty. And I am working really hard on that now.
You see, it’s not always about the kids. It’s feeling guilty for having pretty much everything I’ve always wanted. I have a wonderful husband who drives me half-crazy. I have two incredible kids who push me the rest of the way. We have a great home with two crazy furkids. We are all healthy and living the life.
Grateful for me, grateful for you
So this is where it all comes together. All the thanks and gratefulness is focused outside. Who am I grateful to? I am for 100% grateful to God for all of these blessings. And I have to remember to that God gave me the heart to love all of these people. He gave me the tenacity to work and fight for what I have. He gave these things to me, not because I sat around and prayed but because I put in the time, and continue to do the time, to get what I have.
I have to be grateful to myself for asking and fighting for what I wanted. I have to thank myself for not giving up. I have to thank myself for pushing through all the super hard times. I had help, definitely. But I chose my help; I chose Jason. I chose these crazy mutts. And we chose this life of ours.
Don’t just be thankful to everyone outside for what you have. Be thankful to God for allowing you these graces. Be grateful for the talents He gave you that helped you get to where you are. If you’re still struggling, be thankful for the ability to get through it. Be thankful for your support system, whether it’s family and friends or just yourself. Most of all be thankful to yourself.
Be thankful to yourself for your spirit, for your mind, for everything you get to accomplish every day, no matter how small.
Be thankful to yourself for your spirit, for your mind, for everything you get to accomplish every day, no matter how small. Be thankful you have the will and drive, whether timely or not, to do what has to be done, to keep trudging and leaping forward. Be grateful for that twinge of guilt you may have on occasion because you deserve all the good things you have, all the good things life has to offer.
